22 May, 2015

The last turn of the key

I’m in front of the door. On one hand, my bike helmet and on the other, the key to a home which is not mine anymore. Thousands of images from the past year pass through my head; 6 months of physiotherapy because of a ligament rupture on my knee, preparing the bike, papers and visas, vaccines, the website’s design… visiting my mother and my sisters in Buenos Aires before leaving. All of this while I kept a hectic professional and teaching time.

So, after all of this mental stress and physical marathon, the bike is loaded and I am almost about to leave.

I say “almost about to” because I don’t know why, but the bits and bobs are multiplying. Even after doing a trial run with the loaded bike to Andorra and having made a list of minimum but necessary (or not) things to take with me, maybe what I today feel is minimal and necessary in a month it would be unnecessary.

The decision to make this trip has been well thought and is a dream come true. Even then, a few hours before starting the journey, fears and doubts remain there in these constant “what if…” that turn around your head in every decision we make, in everything we do in life.

What if I would have done this and not that?
What if this trip is madness?
What if you run from something?
What if the bike doesn’t last even a month?
What if your ass can’t take that motorcycle seat?
What if you have a terrible crash while riding because you don’t have much experience riding bikes?

In front of the door I take a deep breath trying to internalize all of these feelings so they can become part of me. Because they are important and it is healthy to have them. I tell myself: “There is no big enough “what if…” that stops me for turning this key. Dreams are made to be realized and if they are not realized they begin to decompose inside ourselves to then become frustrations.

There is no going back. I am still here in front of the door, enjoying the moment when I insert the key for the last time in that lock. This same motion will become routine tomorrow. But it will be to start the bike’s engine so it takes me to a new destination.